I have a pretty illogical phobia of cane toads. I know that it’s ridiculous that I’m more afraid of seeing one than I am of picking up a spider, but maybe this awareness is the first step to my recovery? My husband reminds me of how silly it all is, yet, he still carries me to the car at night if I spy those creepy critters near our porch. Why? A) He’s a sweetheart, but mostly B) which is that he knows my main Love Language is Acts of Service. Basically, this means I feel most loved when somebody takes the time to do something nice for me, like dinners on our doorstep when we were in Newborn Land, or when the guy at the local farmers market snuck an extra avo into our bag with a smile. Simple kindness really. It just feels nice.
Kindness speaks volumes to our spouse and is not tricky to do, but sometimes it might feel insufficient.
They deserve costly grand gestures, right? They’re our favourite person and we want to show them, but life can get full and budgets can get tight, and pangs of guilt at the rarity of proper “grown up” dates arise. The truth is, as much as I love a romantic weekend away or a bit of bling, I would much prefer little frequent gestures that whisper, “I still adore you.” Those little things that show my husband really knows who I am. All those unique, special, ridiculous bits about me.
Just like a big detox after months of zero veg and exercise won’t make us an instant athlete, I believe that with most great things, like great marriages, it’s the seemingly small deposits over time which create something healthy, lasting and strong.
How do we do this well? One of the best things I ever did was to figure out what my husband’s primary Love Language is.
If you’re not familiar with The Five Love Languages, it’s a theory by Gary Chapman which describes us all as having one or two dominant ways of feeling and showing love (Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service). Although Acts of Service are how I feel loved the most (along with Quality Time), I need to remember that Husband’s main Love Languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical touch. We both need slightly different dictionaries to communicate love. Anyone relate?
I think once we get to know HOW our spouses feel love, little gestures in their own language will deepen our relationships over time, as our actions steadily whisper “I still adore you”.
Here are some tiny, everyday ways to speak your spouse’s language:
If QUALITY TIME is their thing: Go to bed at the same time. Exercise or cook dinner together.
If GIFTS are their thing: Surprise them with a book or magazine about an interest of theirs. Wrap their gifts ridiculously well.
If WORDS are their thing: Hide a note in their lunch or gym bag. Compliment them in front of others.
If PHYSICAL TOUCH is their thing: Hold their hand. It’s just nice. Break out the massage oil.
If ACTS OF SERVICE are their thing: Help fix something special of theirs that has broken. Run them a bath with candles.
“Remember that children, marriages and flower gardens reflect the kind of care that they get.”
– Jackson Brown Jr.
Take the Love Languages Test Here.
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Words by Bill & Coo - That Marriage Thrill
Celebrating marriage, one interview at a time.
