A new guide to being a wedding guest

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I’ve sat down in a coffee shop with a completely different column in mind for this month, but Jess’ wedding changed everything. I don’t know Jess, I’m not her celebrant (I don’t think so anyhow) but two of her friends are here and I’ve serendipitously slipped right into the part of the conversation where we’re planning what to wear to the wedding and if you’re one of the two girls at Starbucks with me, from what I could hear, the dress sounds amazing. So now the intended column for this month is on ice, can we talk about how to be the best kind of humans at a wedding?

It’s a big deal to be invited to someone’s wedding. Not for all the reasons Hollywood and writers like Yours Truly have told you, but let’s break it down. If you’re a guest at a wedding, at the least you’ve cost Jess and her fiancé at least $200, but probably a lot more like $500. Drinks, food, furniture, staff, decorations, entertainment, MC and that cute little gift you’ll forget to take home all has an invoice attached to it. More than likely the parents threw in a few dollars but most couples this year are paying their own way. When was the last time you blew a solid $500 on Jess?

Money aside, you’re being invited into the inner sanctum group of “People Jess and her favourite human are proud to know.” They’ve looked across their Facebook feed and believed that you and everyone else there could possibly have a pretty good time together.

A wedding is an intimate experience these days as well. Our parents might have easily had more than a hundred people at a wedding but today the average size is under fifty. It’s only one level up from being invited into the birthing suite to watch her give birth. So how can you be the best guest ever?

Be hashtag grateful. Not just regular grateful, but full blown hashtag grateful. Make sure Jess and the human she hates the least know that you took advantage of the event, you had a great time, and you are thankful for the invitation. Bring those A+ stories to share with the people you’re seated with, and maybe prepare some opinions on the current political, social and sporting environment. Have some drinks but not that many that you make it to the Daily Mail’s Facebook page tomorrow morning. Let the DJ or band know that you are there to party and you’re there to party hard.

In the ceremony be the first person to clap and cheer, and the last person to capture an Instagram story. By the way, when you’re getting that photo, remember they’ve paid their photographers and videographers super good cash so they can get the same photo but without that horrendous filter you’re going to apply. Stay tuned to Facey, you’ll see the album go live in a few weeks.

If you’ve been tagged in this post, you should know that we love you, and we’re excited for you to attend the wedding, but we need you to help with everyone else. When the lights dim, get up on that dance floor, and when the MC asks if anyone wants to make a speech, jump up and encourage Jess and her person that they’re amazing together and they inspire you to be a better human. Their wedding is that one beautifully unique day where Jess and her MySpace top 1 is looking forward to you being an awesome guest, so follow this guide, be on time – not early or late, just plain old on-time – and it’s going to be the wedding of the year and it’s all because you were awesome. Thanks for coming!

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